(FANFARE PLAYS)
(TRUMPETS PLAY NEWS JINGLE)
In "24 Hours and Hours" tonight
we'll be taking a look at the ship-building industry in the North East.
(TRUMPETS PLAY NEWS JINGLE)
News of the latest American space project, Saliva 12.
(TRUMPETS PLAY NEWS JINGLE)
The discovery in Devon of some extremely large mice.
- (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE) - (TRUMPETS PLAY NEWS JINGLE)
Something that interests us all, nude women.
(TRUMPETS PLAY NEWS JINGLE)
And of course, trumpeters.
(TRUMPETS PLAY NEWS JINGLE)
But first, a film report from Eamonn Duckhawker
on the present situation in Hamburg.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Here in Munich today, the mood is one of tranquillity
almost of calm.
But beneath the facade, under the surface
below the veneer of apparent calm, one can sense
almost feel a certain tension, or lack of tension
which is reflected in the seemingly impassive faces of the ordinary passers-by
as they pass and re-pass, going about their various ways.
Their faces reflecting little if any, in fact, none
of the tension, or lack of tension, I referred to previously.
On the face of it then, just an ordinary city
an ordinary day, ordinary people.
But is it all as ordinary as it seems?
I'm afraid it is.
And with that, this is Onan Duckhawker
returning you from the brightly lit cafés of the Volkenrubenstrasse to the studio.
Good night.
Our reporter on anything from anywhere
reporting about nothing.
And now, an interview with the Minister of Housing.
- Good evening. - Good evening.
I have with me here in the studio, Mr Harold Yeti-Goosecreature.
I have with me in the studio, Marsden Ganderpoke.
- Yes, I know. - Yes.
Now, Mr Yeti-Goosecreature, you're the Minister of Housing.
No, I'm not, I'm the interviewer, you're the Minister of Housing.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Aren't you? - No, I'm not.
I'm the interviewer.
We're both... we're both interviewers.
- Um... - (AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- Yes, well... - Oh...
But, uh... but then...
Well, um, oh...
(THEY SING: "FALLING IN LOVE WITH LOVE" BY ROGERS AND HART)
# Falling in love with love is falling for make believe #
# Falling in love with love is falling for love #
At this very spot this morning
yet another successful wage-snatch was carried out.
Our man on the spot, Tumbril McPosingbrief
reports from the spot...
he's on.
- (LOUD TRAFFIC BLARES) - (INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
- (HORNS HONK) - (LOUD TRAFFIC BLARES)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Well...
at this point, we were to have had a film report from Teddy Vole
on the revolution in the Bahamas but unfortunately the film hasn't arrived
and so while, uh... oh.
Hello?
Hello, darling, I... l...
Well, it's a bit awkward at the moment because...
Um...
You know I do.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Very, very much.
Yes.
Bye, heart face.
Well, the producer says the film has arrived...
and so over now to Teddy Vole with a film report on the revolution
in the Bahamas that we've been waiting for for several weeks.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
...week, Watooka receives its independence.
What are the problems facing this new state?
Will disillusionment follow the heavy triumphs of hard-won freedom
or will the people support Premier Mbala's provisional government?
And who is the strongman behind Mbala?
Is it Mbili, Bombolo
Bombaga or Ndaka?
And where is Yettigonga?
Is he in Mattobisi with Katashi?
Or has he gone to see Mbaka in Katanga?
And where are Mbuku
Nonanga, Umpopo and Gondoli?
Is Umboko behind Mbili?
And if Mbaka is behind Mumboko against Katashi
will Umbuku join Nananga in Ketongi?
All these questions can and must be answered.
Good night.
This is the face of Aristide Goulet
the French trade union leader.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Aristide...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Ah, that's more like it.
And now, a film report of particular interest starring me.
Wake up, everyone at home. Come on, wake up. Watch the screen.
It's about me. Wake up.
Hello. Well, I'm standing in the Kings Road
and I'm going to stop some passers-by and ask them
if they agree with the opinion expressed on "24 Hours and Hours" last week
that the church is losing prestige
by seeking too much publicity.
Um, you, sir...
Do you agree with this view?
Well, I know what you mean. We have seen a lot of them recently.
On Sundays, you see them for a couple of hours
and late at night, I always go to bed
thinking of vicars 'cause they're always on.
But I'd say definitely.
Uh, you do. You feel they're losing publicity?
Ah, definitely.
- Gaining publicity but losing... - Definitely not.
- Definitely which? - Definitely not losing prestige
or publicity. - Oh, not losing prestige?
You don't feel that although perhaps television
is a popular entertainment medium
- that... - Well, that's why they should use it.
It's not for me to say, but that's why they should actually...
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - (DIALOGUE BECOMES INAUDIBLE)
Pray in St Mark's!
- Pray in St Mark's! - (INDISTINCT SHOUTS)
- St Peter's! - (VICARS CLAMOUR)
Uh, I think...
(VICARS SHOUT)
Hello. There's been a lot of talk recently about the invasion of people's privacy
by the mass media.
Well, I'm out here in the street to ask one or two of the ordinary passers-by
what they think of this. Now...
Oh, uh... I'll ask one or two of the ordinary passers-by
what they think of... uh, there's a gentleman coming here.
I'll just ask him what he thinks.
On this subject.
I'll ask him in fact, what he...
thinks about the invasion of people's privacy
by the mass media.
Um...
Sir, hello. I wonder if you'd mind answering a few questions...
- No, no. I don't want to be interviewed. - Oh, well, please...
- Doesn't seem to be anyone else around. - No. I don't... thank you, no.
- I don't want to be interviewed. - I wondered if you'd mind
- answering a few questions. - I don't want to be interviewed!
REPORTER: Look, please. Could you? Please, no, look...
Please, would you mind answering a few questions?
MAN: I don't want to answer any questions!
- REPORTER: Come here, now! - I don't want to answer questions.
On whether or not you think the mass media are invading people's privacy.
- Well, I don't... - Oh, um, terribly sorry.
- You've hit me in the eye! - Please, um...
- You've hit me in the eye! - Will you answer a few questions, please?
- You've hit me in the eye! - Are you alright? I mean, it's...
- You hit me in the eye! - Please, would you mind?
- (MAN SOBS) - Oh, uh, would you...
I say, would you mind, uh...
- (MAN SOBS) - (VICARS CLAMOUR)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
The publication of the Staybaker-Waring report this morning
has already sparked off a holocaust of public indifference.
And so to pad the programme out a bit
we've invited along some experts to discuss some of the issues
arising from the report.
We have with us, Nigel Stanley
the political correspondent for the Stoat Breeder's Gazette.
- Evening. - PRESENTER: Dr Marcus Flute
reader in Comparative Goat Sexing at the University of Melbourne.
Thank you for coming.
Sir Arthur Myxomatosis
formerly vice-chairman of the Acme Inflatable Greengrocer Company
- and an ex-male model. - Hello there.
Rebecca Owltruss
- fashion editor of "Toad". - Hello.
Habbakuk Truffit MP.
Wing Commander Bransby Snake-Sinus, an old friend of ours...
Hairy Loomis, the celebrated washroom attendant
Milton Stagbottler, carpet moistener to the Dutch royal family.
Hello, again.
Paradine Lust, the Harley Street unicyclist.
The Reverend Unseemly Dogposture.
The Flying Hutchisons and Lucile.
Lord Christine Wheedon Boob-Trinket, founder of "Rent-a-Bishop"
and Gareth, his educated goat.
Well, I'm afraid that's all we have time for tonight
and so, good night.
Let's have some more news. Who says we can't get in the ratings?
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Oh, hello, at last.
A question that must be nagging in most of your minds
is whether the lovely Aimi MacDonald, that's me
can do anything else besides sing
dance, tell jokes, look very, very lovely
juggle, and be an extremely accomplished ventriloquist.
Well, of course she can.
I'm also a truly wonderful satirical impressionist.
So now, Aimi "The Girl With a Million Voices" MacDonald
will do her first satirical impression on television.
Tonight, it's an old friend of ours. I'm sure you'll all recognise him.
(MAN'S VOICE ON TAPE): Hello, I'm the lovely Harold Wilson.
Do you know what I mean, darling?
(IN NORMAL VOICE): It might not be a very good impression
but it's better than the one he does of me!
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS)
(HE TUTS)
Uh, excuse me. Is this seat occupied?
- No. - Oh.
(HE TUTS)
Uh, excuse me. Would you mind if I change places with you?
- What? - Could I sit there?
Er, yes. I suppose so.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
- What? - I thought I would like sitting here.
But now I'm here, I find it's not as good as I thought it would be.
- Oh. - So, I'll sit there.
Um...
Do you mind if I smoke?
Er, no. Not at all.
- Are you sure? - Yes, thank you.
You're not just saying that to be polite?
No, no, no. Please do smoke.
Only, you would say if you didn't want me to?
Yes, I would.
- Really? - Yes, I promise I would.
So you don't mind if I smoke?
No. (HE CLEARS HIS THROAT)
Only some people might object.
Yes, but not me.
I was just making sure.
- Thank you. - I wish I had a cigarette.
I wish I had a cigarette that I could smoke.
- If only I had a cigarette. - Do you want a cigarette?
Oh, oh, oh!
Er, no, I don't think I will.
- Please, take one. - No, I mustn't, no.
- No, take one. - No, no, really. No.
Alright.
I wish I hadn't refused that cigarette.
How I wish I hadn't refused the cigarette that nice gentleman offered me
because... oh!
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much, thank you.
- Aren't you going to smoke it? - Oh, no. You see, if I smoke it now
I won't have one for after.
- After what? - After I've smoked this one.
If I had two cigarettes now, it would be plain sailing.
Yes, what I chiefly need is two cigarettes.
- Have another cigarette. - Oh, thank you.
- Keep the packet. - Oh, thank you very much.
- Not at all. - No, thank you, though.
- OK. - No, but thank you.
That's alright.
- Yes, but thank you. - Shut up!
(HE SQUAWKS)
- What was that? - It was me.
It's a speech impediment.
I used to go... (HE SQUAWKS)
...after every second word.
I used to say...
Hello there... (HE SQUAWKS)
Mr Moonstreet. (HE SQUAWKS)
How are... (HE SQUAWKS)
you today? (HE SQUAWKS)
I'm fine. (HE SQUAWKS)
Yes, yes, I do follow. I do understand.
They cured me at the hospital though.
The doctors, they were wonderful.
They stopped me going... (HE SQUAWKS)
...after every second word.
How?
They said, "Don't go... (HE SQUAWKS)
...after every second word."
And it worked.
Now I only go... (HE SQUAWKS)
...when I want to.
(HE SQUAWKS) I wanted to then.
Once upon a time, there was a fairy prince
and his name was Arthur Aldridge
and he got on a train and a magic wizard gave him some cigarettes.
- Magic cigarettes. - What are you talking about?
I'm telling myself a story to pass the time.
Well, will you please tell it quietly?
(HE MOUTHS SILENTLY)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
...lived happily ever after, the end.
I spy...
with my little eye
something beginning with...
"B".
- Quiet. - Or "J".
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Quiet, please.
B or J.
B or J, easy. B or J.
How can it begin with a "B" or a "J"?
For various reasons, none of which I am at liberty to divulge.
B or J.
What's the answer?
Ectoplasm.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Ectoplasm?
Mr B. J. Ectoplasm. He works in my office.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
But you can't see him!
You can if you have an appointment.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
- I can make myself disappear. - Well, why don't you go and disappear, then?
I can disappear, make myself invisible.
- Right, disappear. - I can't do it while you're watching me.
Look over there.
I've gone.
I'm back.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I've gone.
- I've gone. - Look, will you please just stop...
INVISIBLE MAN: Once upon a time, there was a fairy prince
and his name was Arthur Aldridge.
And he got on a train, and a magic wizard gave him some cigarettes.
Magic cigarettes, and he said to the wizard...
He said... oh!
Ah! Argh! Oh! Argh!
(INVISIBLE MAN WHIMPERS)
And they all lived happily ever after, the end.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
Hello. Last week, I showed you the lovely Aimi MacDonald dolly
and the demand was so enormous.
Just everyone wanted one.
So, specially for you, we are now making them in different sizes and here they are.
(MUSIC BOX MUSIC PLAYS)
DOLLS: Lovely Aimi MacDonald is very, very lovely.
They don't say very much but they certainly know what they're talking about.
(FANFARE PLAYS)
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)
- Oh, uh, morning, sir. - Good morning.
I want to buy a house-trained chartered accountant
and I saw that you had some in the window.
Oh, no, sir. They're not chartered accountants, actually.
They're bank managers, sir. Very similar breed. Very popular.
Oh, dear. That is a pity, you see, because I already have a chartered accountant
a female one, you see, and I wanted to breed.
Oh, well, I think you'll find bank managers make very good breeders, sir.
- Really? - Yes, they're very, very popular.
Do you want me to get one of 'em out the window and let you have a look?
- If it's not too much trouble, yes. - Oh, no trouble at all.
Come along. Come on, little boy. Come on, Reginald.
Come on, boy! Down, boy!
There he goes, aww!
He's a frisky little fellow, isn't he?
High spirited, sir.
- Very frisky. - Oh, he's lovely, sir.
Very nice. Up, boy! Come on, boy. Up! Up!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
- Very good. - Oh, he's marvellous, sir.
Show the gentleman some of the tricks I taught you.
Refuse the gentleman an overdraft.
- (HE GROWLS) - Oh, very good.
- You see? Good, isn't it? - Yes, yes.
Now, how do we go when we're counting money, Reginald?
- Isn't that good? - You've certainly trained him well, yes.
He's beautifully trained, sir.
- He's good at catching treats too. - He gets very sad if I leave him out, sir.
Aw!
He likes this, sir. He likes this.
Look at his leg going like the clappers, look.
- So they do. - Down, boy. Down, boy, down.
Oh, uh... I think he wants to go walkies, sir.
- Oh. - In a minute, Reginald. In a minute.
- What's his pedigree like? - Oh, impeccable, sir.
His father was a clergyman, mother managed a tea shop in the country.
One of a litter of three. The other two are dentists, sir.
Well, he certainly seems to have taken a fancy to me!
Stop it! Stop it! Time of the year, y'know? They get a bit funny this time of...
- Down! Down! - Well, I'll take him. How much?
Oh, £4, 17 and six, sir.
Oh, that's fine. Jolly good.
Uh, here we are.
- Only got a fiver, I'm afraid. - Oh, a fiver?
Well, I'm sorry, I don't have anything smaller, sir.
I don't have any change. Would you mind taking your change in traffic wardens?
- No. - Only I don't have anything smaller.
- That's fine. - Right, come on, boys. Come on.
- Go with the nice gentleman. - Come along!
Off you go!
There we are then.
Aww!
I hate to part with them, you know, but I'm glad they're going to a good home.
Aww...
(FANFARE PLAYS)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Hello.
As tonight is the final programme in the present series
I would like to take this opportunity to thank all those backroom boys
who have helped to make my show such a success.
Particularly Tim Whatsit-Taylor
Marty Thingamajig, What's-his-name Chapman
and the tall one that needs a shave all the time.
I would like to thank them for the way they filled in so well
while I changed into my lovely costumes.
But there is one person I would clearly like to single out
as being the sole cause of the amazing success of the Aimi MacDonald Show.
I would dearly like to tell you her name
but she's so modest that she does not wish to be mentioned.
And that person is me!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Can we have a big hand for me, please?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Thank you so much!
You're all so kind.
Really, I don't deserve it at all. Thank you so much.
Ah... Ooh!
What a lovely surprise!
Oh, isn't that beautiful!
Wait a minute, I ordered roses!
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) - Never mind, see you all again soon.
- Bye, bye! - (FANFARE PLAYS)
NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen
for the very first time on television...
"The Rhubarb Tart Song"
performed by the massed bands of the Chartered Accountants.
Conducted by Mr Richard Holmes A.C.A.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(BRASS BAND MUSIC PLAYS)
JOHN CLEESE: # I want another slice of rhubarb tart #
# I want another lovely slice #
# I'm not disparaging the blueberry pie #
# But rhubarb tart is oh, so very nice #
CHORUS: # A rhubarb what? #
JOHN: # A rhubarb tart #
CHORUS: # A what-barb tart? #
JOHN: # A rhubarb tart #
CHORUS: # I want another slice of rhubarb tart #
TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR: # The principles of modern philosophy #
# Were postulated by Descartes #
# Discarding everything he wasn't certain of #
# He said "I think therefore I am a rhubarb tart" #
CHORUS: # René who? #
TIM: # René Descartes #
CHORUS: # A rhubarb what? #
TIM: # A rhubarb tart #
CHORUS: # Poor mutt He thought he was a rhubarb tart #
GRAHAM CHAPMAN: Rhubarb tart has fascinated all the poets...
Especially the immortal bard.
He made, yes, he made Richard III call out at Bosworth Field
"My kingdom for a slice of rhubarb tart!"
CHORUS: # Rhubarb tart, immortal what? #
GRAHAM: # immortal tart #
CHORUS: # A rhubarb what? #
GRAHAM: # A rhubarb bard #
CHORUS: # As rhymes go, that is really pretty bard #
MARTY FELDMAN: # Since Wassily Kandinsky and Paul Klee #
# Laid down the axioms of abstract art #
# Even Jackson Pollock and Piet Mondrian #
# Prefer to paint a slice of rhubarb tart #
CHORUS: # A Wassy who? #
MARTY: # A Wassily #
CHORUS: # A Kandin who? #
MARTY: # A Kandinsky #
CHORUS: # How did he get in there for a start? #
JOHN, TIM, GRAHAM AND MARTY: # Read all the existentialist philosophers #
# Like Schopenhauer and Jean Paul Sartre #
# Even Malcolm Muggeridge agrees on one thing #
# Eternal happiness is rhubarb tart #
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(HURDY GURDY WALTZ PLAYS)
Ladies and gentlemen, next week sees the start of a new campaign
The "Make The Lovely Wee Ronnie Corbett A Rich Gentleman" fund.
Do you know what I mean, darlings? (HE GIGGLES)
See you next week.